Am I in a toxic friendship(s)?
Here are a few signs that you might be.
Hellooo, my lovebugss!!
I hope you are keeping well and enjoying the cold, cold, wintry month —I know that I’m not! Haha.
Before I go into this newsletter, I wanted to let you know that I wrote this twice. I typed the entire thing up and didn’t manage to save it, so when my wifi crashed —I lost the entire thing. That was so, soooo frustrating, oh my god.
Anyway, I don’t want to think too much about it because I might start crying, and instead I will focus on today’s topic.
I absolutely love Christmas, it is truly my most favourite time of the year. But I truly, with all my heart, hate the biting cold. I hate the rainy weather. I hate having to wrap up in 5 layers and then strip/build that according to how the day goes. I have having to wrap myself in a burrito at night —although I only ever sleep as a burrito— until 10 minutes before my feet finally feel okay.
But I love the Christmas markets and the food, I love having hot chocolate with whipped cream —it’s the only time during the year that you will ever see me having hot chocolate— I love snug scarfs and big, woolly hats. I love festive songs that play in all the cafes that I visit. I love the warm, cuddly feeling of watching a Christmas movie indoors while it’s dark out. I love Christmas dinners with family, friends and colleagues and an excuse to go out and do things.
I love ice-skating in the dark with joyous, Christmas songs playing in the background and I love the twinkly lights overhead, dotted all around central London. London is truly magical during Christmas.
So, all in all, I both love/hate this month. I love the festive spirit but I hate the cold. But the cold is a sacrifice that I am willing to make if it means that I get to enjoy Christmas and all the goodness that comes with it!
I love the twinkly lights overhead, dotted all around central London. London is truly magical during Christmas.
When December comes around the corner —we have a new-found excuse to make plans. Plans to go to the markets. Plans to visit different events taking place. Plans to go ice skating and indoor skiing and organising dinners and games with the people that we love. Although for most it’s an excuse to rejoice and spend invaluable time with the people that we love —for others it’s a daunting time.
Having to meet old cousins who bring us down, family who we don’t like but have to see that one day in the year or visit old friends who we don’t have anything in common with anymore.
While on the family front there’s not much we can do, and more often than not you just have to soldier through that one day in the year. When it comes to friends —it is so important to spend this joyous occasion with ones who bring out all the good in your life.
To ensure that you are truly making the most of Christmas, for starters —you need to ask yourself whether your friends are truly good for you.
Signs that you are in a toxic friendship.
Here are some signs that you, my friend, are in a toxic friendship.
1. They make you feel bad about yourself.
Okay, I had a friend who I constantly made excuses for because of the way she treated me.
I would always tell myself, ‘But she has such a good heart’, ‘She wants the best for me’, ‘She’s being honest, don’t I need honesty’.
I did this every time she would make a snide remark, or tell me that I look bad or act in a way —which was most of the time— which would make me feel horrible about myself.
There is this one memory that has ingrained itself in my mind as a reminder that I will never accept this sort of behaviour again.
She went abroad to do some wedding shopping, and we were on the phone while she was looking for bridesmaid dresses for us girls, and she said something to me which felt like a slap in the face. She told me that she wasn’t worried about the other girls, but she wanted to get a colour for the bridesmaid dresses that would suit my skin tone in particular because I was so dark-skinned.
Me. Me?
Okay, I have no problem with being light skinned or dark-skinned or chubby or skinny, as long I’m comfortable in myself. But what I do have a problem with is being told by a friend that she supposedly cares about me, that is why she points out that my ass has gone flat, or that a particular dress doesn’t suit me because of my big breasts, or that I need to stop doing a certain hairstyle because it makes me look weird.
No. Just no.
You do not need friends like this.
I am sure that you already have family members like that, i.e., brown aunties who constantly remind you that you’re getting old and it’s time for marriage as those wrinkles on your face will only get more prominent as time goes on, so you might as well snap up a tall, dark and handsome doctor while you have the chance. But you can’t be dark-skinned yourself, nooo.
I’m sorry but you don’t get the option to choose who will be in your family, and for now you will have to live with it.
But you do have the option to choose your friends, and it is not okay to have one who makes you feel bad about yourself all the time.
‘Are you going to wear that?’ She asks, a frown padding her forehead.
‘Yes,’ I answer, my cheeks suddenly hot and red like a roasted tomato,
‘What’s wrong with it?’
‘Nothing,’ she looks uncertain,
‘It’s just…it doesn’t suit your skin-colour, if I’m being honest.’
2. They only talk to you when they need you.
How many of you have had ‘friends’ who disappear for weeks and months and don’t even bother to message you or call you, but the moment that they need something —they suddenly reappear out of nowhere.
Shock.
Where were these people when you messaged them a few weeks ago?
Where were they when you got that new job, or that new boyfriend, or moved into a new house and were ready to celebrate?
Did they congratulate you?
Did they even check up on you?
No, right?
Now, suddenly they want to know where you got your eyeshadow pallet on sale from, or what the new gossip with your other friend is, or how to write their cv for a new job and oh, how they miss you.
Nuh-uh. You don’t need friends like that.
Say goodbye.
‘I missed you so much, girl! By the way, I saw that you went to that Christmas event the other day —was it any good? I’m thinking to take Stacey next week.’
3. They are only there for you when you are sad.
You ran the marathon. Well done. You got a new job. I’m so happy for you. You got an A. Good going, bud. But where is your friend? You know, the one who is always there when you’re sad, crying and upset but suddenly disappears when you’re doing well in your life.
Some people are fuelled when their friends are doing bad in their life, because these people flourish the moment that they are needed. If their friends are suffering, then these people appear out of nowhere in your life —they take charge, they want to be there for you and wipe your tears away.
But the moment that you are happy and in a good place —these friends disappear.
These are the kind of friends who aren’t happy in your happiness but are okay with your sadness. It might not be something that they do on purpose. It’s not like they sit in the corner of the room with the biting-green-monster thoughts bubbling in their mind when you have something great going for you.
But they don’t feel connected to you either —at least not in the way that they do when you are upset, or sad, or feeling lonely.
You will also notice that you will always be attached to these friends because they were there for you during some of the hardest times in your life – but you need to ask yourself, have they ever been there for you during some of the most amazing moments you have experienced?
No, right?
‘I am so sorry that I missed your graduation party last month. I had so much going on. I’ve actually called because I saw your Instagram story. It was a sad love quote and I suddenly got worried. Is everything okay between you and Raj okay?’
4. They only want to talk about themselves.
How many of you have been in friendships where the conversation is never about you?
You are basically the agony aunty, and every time that you meet your friend, you are providing them with free therapy which leaves them feeling better afterwards —but you feel horrible because you have not managed to get a single thing off your chest.
I once had this friend where we went out, and for 4 hours straight we dived into one topic after the other —all relating to her life. When we departed, she gave me a huge hug and told me how much happier she was now that her head was clearer, but I went home with a bitter aftertaste of how shit the whole day made me feel —because not once did she ask me how I was doing and if there was anything that I wanted to talk about.
Friendships are not free therapy sessions. Friendships consist of similar likes and dislikes, going out and having a great time, escaping your problems for a little while and generally feeling good.
Of course, you discuss your problems too but there is a balance —one where you both get to offload. Not just one person.
If you’re constantly doing this for your friend and they will never hear what you have to say, then there’s a huge unhealthy imbalance in your friendship.
‘Thank you so much for such an amazing evening, honey! I feel so much better now that I’ve cleared my head about my job. I know exactly what I need to say to my manager now. I hope you are okay, we will talk all about your birthday party next week when we meet. I’m sorry we didn’t get to speak about it today, I have so much to do tonight! Thanks again, I love you!’
That is all for today!
There are so many more toxic friendship traits which I’d love to discuss with you all in the future. For now, remember that if your friendship displays any of these toxic traits then it’s not good for you and you need to understand that this is a relationship that you’ve chose for yourself, and you know what’s best.
Also, since it’s December —there is no better time to move forward by wiping away all the toxicity in your life and going in to the new year with a bang!
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