Am I Losing My Creative Spirit?
I’ve dreamt of being an author since I was a little girl, reading dog-eared copies of books by my favourite authors at the time. It’s a different story that these authors were all Caucasian, and the disordered pile of books, stacked haphazardly on the floor of my small bedroom didn’t reflect the broad/dynamic reads aligned perfectly in my pristine bookshelf (in my very own study) now.
But that’s for another time.
The point is—reading and writing is all I’ve ever known. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to know. Books have make me tremendously happy, and writing? It lights me up with joy. Creates a spark inside my soul. Gives me a reason to keep going.
That’s why, nearly ten years ago, when I dropped out of my teacher training degree to pursue my dream of being an author—in the process falling into a deep depression because of stuff going on in my personal life—writing my feelings down on paper stopped me from falling.
Writing healed me.
Writing saved me.
Writing gave me a reason to keep going.
To keep living.
Through writing and sharing my work online—I found a community. A safe space. An online family of people who not only related to my words, but were there for me—with their comments and messages, reminding me I wasn’t alone in how I was feeling.
The worse my life got, the more I wrote. The more I wrote, more I healed. The more I learned through my healing, the more books I wrote. The more I fell back and got up again, the more wisdom I had to share. And so continued the pattern in my life.
But recently, I feel a little empty. Devoid of the healing words that used to travel to me in quiet whispers—meant just for me on heavy nights when the rain pattered on the windowsill and there was nothing but my thoughts for company.
A little side-note—since publishing my self-help book The Path to Self-Love, I’ve been working on my new adult fiction romance set in a university in London. It’s a series about a group of south asians that’s been living rent-free in my mind for a long, long time. My love for writing fiction runs deep, but for so many years I procrastinated writing fiction by working on my poetry, prose and self-help. When The Path to Self-Love didn’t live up to the expectations I’d set for it (it didn’t make me a NY Times or Sunday Times bestseller—no, these are not unrealistic dreams), I decided it was time to go back to my one true love: fiction.
Something’s been going on with me lately.
I no longer have that spark for creating healing pieces of prose that would reach readers’ hearts like a warm hug—the kind that reminds them they’re not alone. The kind that stays with them, like a shadow on a bright day, sitting beside on the cold, hard bench. The kind that gives a shoulder to rest their head on, an ear to listen to their worries, a pen they can use to jot down their feelings.
I can no longer write such pieces.
The bigger truth is—I haven’t tried. Not once. Not in a while.
I spend most days working on draft and redraft of my new adult fiction romance, and by the time I’m done—my brain is mentally fried. With the remaining brain cells, I read (because exercising your mind is just as important as exercising your body), and with the 0.00002% of brain cells left after that? I work on my social media. Reply to comments. Create content (ngl, I’m loving the TikToks I’ve been creating, I kind of love authortok!) Take a break. Live a little so I can write again.
This leaves me with no mental bandwidth to work on non-fiction, poetry or prose. To write down my feelings. To journal. To just express for once.
Add to that, some of the best pieces of my online career—the viral ones—stemmed from immense pain. I wrote them during the darkest, most hurtful and depressing moments of my life.
Thankfully, I’m no longer in that place. I found love. I’m happily married. I’ve got a loving family and in-laws. I have the healthiest relationships ever. I’m surrounded by the best people and—for the first time in a long time—my friends and family are all good for me. Yeah. It took a lot of nit-picking, removing people and setting boundaries (basically followed all the advice in my book TPTSL)—but we got there.
But what does this mean for me? It means that I can’t relate to painful pieces anymore—and worse, I can’t write them.
The expression “pain follows the artist like a shadow” (I’m pretty sure I just made that line up) has never applied this well—to me. Because I feel like less of an artist, a healer-through-words, and more like an aspiring novelist these days. While I don’t mind that—I mean, I literally dreamt of writing cute romance novels when I was younger—it still feels a little bitter sweet. Like I’ve lost a part of me. Like I’m-less-of-this-and-more-of-that.
The worst part? Writing healing words is what saved me, and sharing those healing words is what got me here—living the life I dreamt of.
The worse-worst part? I don’t know if I can ever write healing words again. I’m too scared to try.
And maybe I’ve just made it all up in my head. Maybe I’m feeling like this because I’ve written 200,000 words in the last six months and I’m in a creative rut, all juiced out, and I’ve got nothing left to give. Maybe I’m feeling like this because I haven’t actually sat down to write poetry, or prose, or self-help words in over a year.
Or maybe, just maybe, I’ve lost that side of my creativity.
Maybe it is either or—and right now I’m a fiction writer, an aspiring novelist, a story-teller—but not the writer I was. The one who’d heal broken hearts and make emotional bonds with people just through her words.
The truth? I’ll never know.
But for now I’ll work on this project and finish this series.
Then, I’ll think about the healing words again. The poetry. The prose.
Maybe I’ve got no more healing wisdom left me in to impart, or maybe, it’s not over, and with a lifetime yet to live—this moment’s actually the beginning.
The start.
Quick Updates
I wanted to share a few exciting updates with you all!
📚 Order The Path to Self-Love: It’s up to 40% off on Amazon and available worldwide! Thank you so much for your incredible support. If you haven’t picked up your copy yet, you can order it here. I hope it inspires you on your journey to self-love!
✨ Subscribe to my YouTube channel: I’ve got new videos coming your way this year, and if you missed the latest ones, catch up here!
🎧 Listen to my podcast: New episodes will be out soon! If you haven’t listened to one yet, check them out here. Your thoughts on the episodes are always welcome!
🎤 Watch my TEDx talk: We’ve hit 12k views—thank you for all the love! If you haven’t watched it yet, check it out here. Please like, share, and comment—your support means the world!
Thank you for being here and for all your continued love and support! 💖
Love,
Ruby Dhal xxx